Courtney Howard // Film Critic
ANACONDA
Rated PG-13, 1 hours and 38 minutes
Directed by: Tom Gormican
Starring: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Steve Zahn, Thandiwe Newton, Daniela Melchior, Selton Mello, Ione Skye
Within the first ten minutes of director Tom Gormican and writer Kevin Etten’s extremely meta spinoff to the 1997 cult creature feature ANACONDA, it’s made abundantly clear this new team of creatives don’t have anything exciting to deliver in the way of laughter, charm, nor poignancy. The story centers on a group of childhood best friends who revive their nostalgic pipe dream of making movies and inevitably rediscover their joie de vivre. It’s the kind of comedy where the gags are not only obvious, they’ve got very little lasting power. It doesn’t inspire much in the way of post-screening discussions about favorite scenes, indelible hilarity, or quotable lines. Relying on lazy jokes that do their comedic construction a complete disservice, as well as dealing the narrative’s inherent sentimentality short shrift, it’s disposable junk food that fails to nourish our weary souls.
Family man Doug McCallister (Jack Black) is a frustrated videographer. He’d rather write and shoot horror movies than be stuck editing cheesy engagement videos for happy couples. He’s lost his career ambitions and has settled for modest suburban living with caring wife Malie (Ione Skye) and their tween son. Doug’s best friend Griff (Paul Rudd) also is experiencing a rough patch on the opposite coast, struggling to make it as a big-time actor, only finding rejection and menial extra work, which he regularly self-sabotages. However, when Doug’s birthday party reunites the pair with old friends Claire (Thandiwe Newton) and Kenny (Steve Zahn) to watch their old home movie, things begin to change.
Griff gets it in his head the gang should travel to the Amazon to make a “spiritual sequel” to their favorite film ever: 1997’s campy monster movie, ANACONDA. He’s retained the property’s rights and has free reign to do whatever he wants creatively. Newly divorced Claire is to gather the finances together and co-star alongside Griff, Kenny is to be the cameraman so long as he stays sober, and Doug is set to write and direct. Once they arrive though, their dream turns into a bit of a nightmare. Snake wrangler Santiago (Selton Mello) proves to be an eccentric oddball, especially when dealing with his prized pal Heitor the anaconda snake. The crew’s riverboat guide is mysterious rebel Ana (Daniela Melchior), who sneaks aboard in order to dodge a group of thugs. Havoc ensues further when a series of disruptions occur, threatening to halt filming and tear the group apart.
That this film unabashedly poaches and repurposes the legend of the guys who remade RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK is one thing. That Gormican and Etten didn’t bother to make this love letter to those guys the least bit innovative, witty or endearing is quite another. For every joke and narrative set-up, there’s a punchline with either an instantaneous payoff or an overarching one (a la Chekhov’s party store statuette), both of which lack clever zing. This leads to predictability with the audience anticipating the outcomes and subsequently being mystified with the filmmakers’ humorless choices – and they are truly unfunny.
When the actors are let loose to riff over veritable nonsense, it’s awkward. The head butt scene is interminable, as is the snake funeral. Talking about raised stakes as the characters are actually raising their stakes tests our patience. The characters’ – and, in essence, the actual filmmakers’ – self-reflexive bit about shooting with no 3rd act in their script? We could already tell as the situation doesn’t escalate. It meanders. Worse, the prescribed story beats hit exactly when we expect them to along this lame heroes’ journey. Doug’s refusal of the call, Griff’s sacrifice and their staged conflicts with each other (which are completely foreseeable) all arise during the moments anyone who’s ever seen a movie before would assume.
Then there’s the convoluted, overly orchestrated hilarity that’s far from uproarious. From Doug’s spider bite (where the besties band together to urinate on his infected leg) to the finale featuring cameos I won’t spoil here despite studio marketing doing so already, I found myself punching up sequences for greater comedic impact. Spelling out the jokes, which the filmmakers do frequently, never makes those gags funny. A slime-coated, regurgitated Jack Black with a dead wild boar strapped onto his shoulders (a metaphor representing a hat on a hat) does not equate to a CG-enhanced regurgitated Jon Voight.
The subplot involving Ana and the illegal goldminers doesn’t move the needle. It primarily acts as padding on a rote tale about male friendship and mid-life crises – as referenced by the self-aware line “this movie has to be about something” that Doug and Griff mutter multiple times. Other female characters are used as set dressing, exclusively available to support male arcs, having no inner life or motivations of their own. Malie’s most notable attribute is supporting her husband. Claire’s is being divorced and, later, hooking up with another character (in a completely unnecessary and unearned turn).
ANACONDA (2025) desperately wants to be BOWFINGER or TROPIC THUNDER, yet has no interest, skill or comprehension to dissect why those films function magnificently. With little that sticks, Gormican and Etten fall far short of their film’s eponymous predecessor, whose campy antics have sneakily slithered their way into the hearts of many over the past 28 years. It may not bastardize the original, but it certainly doesn’t add to its legacy, or IP viability. In the span of only a few years since their sharp, delightful THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT was released, it appears this duo has ironically lost their creative spark, gifting us with a frustrating follow-up.
Grade: D
ANACONDA opens on December 25.
