Hello, there! My name is Preston Barta, and I am the features editor of Fresh Fiction and senior film critic at the Denton Record-Chronicle. My cinematic love story began where I was born: off planet on the isolated desert world of the Jakku system. It's there I passed the time scavenging for loose parts with my good friend Rey. One day I found an old film projector and a dusty reel of the 1975 film JAWS. It rocked my world so much that I left my kinfolk in the rearview (I so miss their morning cups of green milk) to pursue my dreams of writing about film. It wasn't long until I met two gents who said they would give me a lift. I can't recall their names, but one was an older man who liked to point a lot and the other was a tall, hairy fella. They got me as far as one of Jupiter's moons where we crossed paths with the U.S.S. Enterprise. Some pointy-eared bastard said I was clear to come aboard. He saw that I was clutching my beloved shark movie and invited me to the "moving pictures room" where he was screening the 1993 film JURASSIC PARK to his crew. He said my life would be much more prosperous if I were familiar with more work by the god named Steven Spielberg. From there, my love for cinema blossomed. Once we reached planet Earth, everything changed. I found the small town of Denton, TX, and was welcomed into the Barta family. They showed me the writings of local film critic Boo Allen. He became my hero and caused me to chase a degree in film and journalism. After my studies at graduate of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I met some film critics who showed me the ropes and got me into my first press screening: 2011's THE GREEN LANTERN. Don't worry; I recovered just fine. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD was only four years away.
Preston Barta // Features Editor
Rated PG, 110 minutes
Director: Tom Hooper
Cast: Francesca Hayward, Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Laurie Davidson, Rebel Wilson, James Corden, Jennifer Hudson, Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift, Ray Winstone and Danny Collins
After the release of one of the most widely ridiculed movie trailers of 2019, you could say Cats had me as curious as its titular creatures. Sometimes I just get this itching to see something when the internet will not stop hammering into it.
The trailer deserved its claw marks, too. I could not take anything seriously when the computer-generated feline details rob the characters — and what they’re singing about — from having any emotional impact or stakes. Even Jennifer Hudson going full Anne Hathaway with her Les Misérables moment — wailing her heart out, singing “Memory” — wasn’t enough because the distracting look sucked out its soul.
The film is no different.
The advertisements are calling Cats the most “joyful event of the holiday season.” That statement isn’t coming from a critic, either, because they would likely say the opposite is true. I sure would.
Aside from the Tim Burton-esque production design and lighting, Cats is a harrowing experience where happiness goes to die. It’s so unfathomably weird and nonsensical that it’s miserable.
I could not tell you what the movie is about. I had to look it up. Apparently, it’s about singing and dancing cats who, each year, decide who will ascend to the heavens and come back with a new life. But watching these cats (portrayed by Francesca Hayward, Robbie Fairchild and Laurie Davidson, among others) move about is about as exciting as watching paint dry.
Thankfully, there were a few refreshing gags when James Corden and Rebel Wilson appear. They don’t save the movie from losing itself in the litter, but they at least provide some humor and deconstruct the absurdity of what they’re doing. However, such moments too few and far between.
I cannot express how weird this movie is. There’s a scene where cats eat cockroaches who have human faces on them. If it wasn’t for the upbeat music, you would think you’re watching something dark on the level of Pan’s Labyrinth when the Pale Man eats the fairies. Parents should proceed with caution. Cats might confuse your children, and you won’t even know where to begin in your explanation.
Also, don’t let Taylor Swift’s role bewitch you. She’s barely in the film and has one song. I couldn’t tell you a memorable aspect of it.
So, bottom line, this movie is a nightmare you let live out its nine lives alone.
CATS is now playing nationwide.